They Said

They said he was a Dog, until I came. They said in order to get him I would have to be different, I just was myself. They said he never smiles funny I make him laugh. They said he doesn't fall for anyone, I showed him what its like to be with someone! They said he's mean to everybody, I know him to be too kind! They said all these things, Thank God I have my own mind!

             FOR DOG!

All by Myself!

As the date draws closer near I'm so emotional I can't believe how rapidly my life has change. I wake up every morning thinking, as if this whole thing was just some random dream then reality kicks in pretty fast when I realize that I'm running late for work. See that's the thing about life we spend so much time daydreaming before we realize we're off schedule of a dreams, goals and accomplishment. However when it seems as if I'm running late I always make it early. That's just how my life works I maybe flawed in keeping time, but I'm immaculate when I arrived! Be Bless!

Courage!

To gain courage thru fear is first to endure enough pain to the point  that the fear is no longer the road block, but it because a stepping stone. That nothing is worst then the situation at hand, and all you want is out. To gain courage, to overcome anything and everything. You need to know that there is always a lesson in it to be learned, and you have to be able to grasp the first lesson or you become a target of repeated circumstances. I know all to well the outcome of not listening when God is calling. I like to say that I was to busy talking after all I am a Gemini. Then I found myself in the same exact situation a year later, I said I never will go thru again. Then it hit me I didn't learn the lesson in order to gain the courage needed to change. Needless to say but  I got it this time but not without a price I'm still paying. With nothing to lose I go harder then ever now. The courage I gain from the pain I endure has made me impeccable. I gain a newfound respect for my heartbreak and hurt. Its made me fearless in living life, and it's giving me the Courage to live it for me, my way everyday! SO Live, Love, and Laugh!

Battle of who Careless!

I didn't know that we were competing I must have miss the memo on who could hurt the most. Well the stars are still in my sky! How in the hell can you pacific bad intentions, WOW, I see a monster! I guess cause I don't wear your chains anymore, so you really can't hold me. I know you should be more sullen in your careless, cause people might mistake it! As for me, " sorry I don't know what or who your talking about"! The truth is I careless, too busy paper chasing so keep hating. Your battling self I;ve already giving up on you so in the famous words of Cuzin A "Boy BYE"!

Lunch and an EX!

Just had lunch with Mike he's so funny. When you can hang out with an ex and still be comfortable enough to look at the Hot (really hot) Waiter from Trumbull Kitchen as if you won't see any thing that hot again, Mike said I looked like I was going  to jump his bone right there. Personally I was wondering if he would measure up in bed considering I was with someone that had that in the bag. As I sat across from this really Handsome Blue-eyed man asking him all types of random questions, one really took me by surprise when he actually responsed. See Mike's one of the really cocky Men(Gemini of course) that knows he's a Great Catch, but I was to busy finding the next one so I didn't have time to work with him. Anywho back to the question with the most serious face ever I asked Mike the one question every women wants to know. Why do men love the women who treat them like shit? "See Babe, that's all wrong boys like girls who treat them like shit! Men we like women who are sure of themselves that don't need us, but simply want us that don't only challenge us, but make us want better. That's the problem here people don't know where they fall in line at. Then everybody wonders why relationships are so fuck-up"! I could not agree more with Mike, the problem is first you need to know where you stand as an individual in order to know,what your looking for!  When lunch was over one more thing Mike where do I fit in at? With the look that got me to just grab him on my 21stbornday, " With that girlish smile, barbie style, loyalty, chinky eyes and the verbal skills of a literary genius Bea sweetheart your one of a kind. Who else can convince there ex from 9 years ago to come have lunch with them and have him want to pick up the check"! Your one in a million! As I walked away I started to laugh too funny I was thinking the same thing about him! WOW!!!! SO random!

Steady Growing!

I've took the time that was needed for me. I'm paying close attention and so I continue to learn. I never seen this coming, but I must it admit I love it. Finally I know who I am, and with that comes a sense of contentment automatically. Your life becomes clearer once you find your purpose. I learn to take accountability for my actions and become more proactive then reactive. I've learned to accept people for who they are and not what I want them to me. But more then anything right now at this very moment I see my change it's so steady like a constant blooming flower that's not quite hit its peck, but is longer just a bud.  I wake-up every morning with a new admiration  for this life of mine. I can't even believe it, that just 8 months ago I didn't want to live, now I find myself every night pleading with God for another day to fulfill my dreams.  I know I'm in God's favor after all who else can walk thru hell and come out unburned,but better then ever. So here it is I'm perfectly the way God intended me to be at this moment and with every pasting day I'm closer to who I always was needed to be.I make no excuses or apologies for my short-comings  because I Steady Growing !   

GOODBYE!!!

I always wanted you to know that it didn't matter, who did what and that I love you. There's nothing lefted here for us God's will has been done and we've experienced it all you and I. So please don't you hold on, cause I've been spending my time moving on. All that was meant to be for us has ended. You and I know what we've share so remember that, and keep that okay! But let's do the right thing this time and tell the truth, there's no more hope in me for you so go away now. Wait, but you can  keep my love so you can tell the difference of when someone just says and how I mean it. Yes, it hurts but it won't break me down, I'm starting the rest of my life and I wish you the best in yours without me. I know that it's unfair in all the right ways but your so wrong in all ways at least for me. You've done enough to me  for a lifetime,now all I can say is this " I know the most Bittersweet story of a love that could of moved mountains, but fell short by a lack of FAITH!

You Saved Me!

Dear You,

When I found myself at my lowest point,  I knew I was about to give up I no longer had a fight in me. I was simply tried of life itself and just couldn't do it anymore. Then you came in with no remorse or judgment you told me the truth. That things aren't always going to go my way,you have faith in me, but that it didn't matter cause I need it in myself. In order to fulfill my dreams I would have to sacrifice my comfort zone and grow-up. To be the best woman I could me and know my value. I still replay that night in my mind,the tears running down my face as I sat still for the first time, I hung to your every word and it changed me forever. You saved me from myself !

Thank you,
Bea   

Logic or Emotions!!!!

I 've been thinking alot lately about my future as I come closer to 30. For some reason I feel an unbearable urgency to find change for the better. As I continously learn from my experiences, I find a sense of compassion for people. I've learned to forgive much more easier, because I have more understanding. Now I am having a hard time with the overstanding when it comes down to it all, is it Logic or Emotions? Like when a person says " I love you more than anyone", but finds a way still to intentionally dismantle everything that your love stood for! Are we suppose to logically dismiss it as it just wasn't meant to be or in my Ex famous words "We just needed a break, cause we keep fighting"! Are you suppose to put all those bottled up emotions to the side and say you know I have some Fault too! Not for me I'm a person who loves deep and when I say it I mean it. I don't reason well with logic cause God made me a woman too bear all things, so yes i run far with emotions. I been in love with one male and gave him my all and in return he shattered my heart and empty my soul. So now here I am, finally I overstand that you need logic and emotions in order to maintain a healthy balance. I've learned logically it's the right thing to give out you heart cause its where your real love is, but for your own emotional well- being, keep your soul that's something you share with God, and only when he is ready he'll let you share it with your soul- mate. That's why he gave us it in the first place. Be Blessed!

HE WANTS TO BE!!!

He says that I'm different now, exactly how he wanted me to be. That time has alter our relationship over the last 15years. I can tell he's been reflecting after all we both have grown . With growth one thing has somehow remained the same our love. It's as if thru it all God had a special agenda for our love. Maybe it's to inspire one of the most modern love story for those around or just to test our limits of emotional gain. Either way we both find it hard to distance ourselves away. I must say at this point I find it pretty amusing to see two people so unconsiously drawn to one another. Like a partnership without any business to attend too, we find the simpliest alternative to engage our souls.While he spends his time looking for the answer to a more logical interpretation to what we have. I've accepted the more rational comprehension that he's simply the man I've grown custom too and while he wants to be everything I prefer he stay as the SUN! 

TITI LOVES U!!!!

JayJay I know it's hard for you to understand right now, but know that I apologize. I don't mean to be away from you for so long, but there's thing's that Titi has to do so she can stay on. Just know that I'll always be around and though I can't be there everyday I'm a phone call away! If mommy ever needs me tell her to call Titi Bebe and I'll come running, cause she's not only just your mom,but my sister from another mother and   I love her for giving me you(your dad too)! So never feel I'm too far away, cause I think about you everyday your one of God's many blessings in my life. So don"t you ever forget Jadyen TITI LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHERE ARE THE LEAVES!!!!!

It's seems to me that Winter is having hard time going away, like that 80's hairspray bang that the front desk Assistant at your Dentist office thinks is still hot (by the way can someone let her know it's not)! Were all praying for the days of green leaves and Burberry taupe trench coats! At this point we all might agree to low 50's temperatures at night, anything that might keep us out a little longer then on a night in the low teens! I know that I'm willing to give up my extra hour of beauty sleep just to see the sun after a long day at the office. See the thing about the Spring is I can feel it in the air silently whispering I'm on my way still it's nothing like the real thing. All I have is the shades that keeps my eyes blocked from the Winter wind and the constant question WHERE ARE THE LEAVES!!!!!!

GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!

As I turn a new leaf in my life the pressure sometimes feels unbearable. Tryin to understand that we all have some battle we're fighting how do we still get threw a day to keep pushing forward? I tend to believe that all the things I been thru, from the lost of my parents to having my 4 yr old nephew ask me how much I love him,and me saying so much it hurts Chris. How will he ever understand that he's part of the reason I won't give even. I feel like where and when will my break come, I've been talking to God alot lately hope to find what I been looking for. All I can say is while the time pasts and I continue to grow God's must be busy with this world and can't get to me right now. As I leave my message on his voicemail God I know that I'm strong and your dealing with the weak but I'm wondering, maybe if I knock at his door and simply say GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!!!!

LOVE IN SACRIFICE!

I find it hard to believe that a person can sacrifice all for the love of someone just to have the love walk away in vain. When you give all that you have and all you  recieve is a blank stare as the reason for your love lost.What I do believe is that when you give a person all that you have and still come out empty handed  it's more about finding you and less about who was wrong. You should never have to give up all of you to make someone love you. Love doesn't ever return to you empty-handed when it's real. If your more then willing to sacrifice everything for someone you love then you better make it worth it.Choice wisely when giving your heart out and if it doesn't workout then expect nothing to be the same stop trying to hold on just let go and keep the experience. Learn from your broken heart and take the time you need for yourself to heal and keep looking forward cause there's always a bright Sunny sky after a really bad storm! LESSON LEARNED!!